Tommy's Arrival

I decided to write out the story of Tommy's birth because there are a lot of people who don't really know the story or not all of it.  Be prepared, this will certainly be a long post!!

I was extremely lucky because overall my pregnancy was pretty easy.  Besides being exhausted at the beginning, I really can't complain.  I never got sick, avoided stretch marks and even slept pretty good (on my side of course!).  I had so many other things going on that I am so thankful at least the physical part of pregnancy was simple. 

Around the end of January I started to feel some pains.  I had not experienced Braxton Hicks but everyone was talking about them so I started to wonder if what I was feeling were them.  From everything I read and everyone I talked to, that's not what I was feeling.  What I did notice though was that Tommy had dropped (he had been head down for about a month already).  It was amazing because I could finally breathe again....although that meant that I was using the bathroom much more often.  Thank goodness there was one in my classroom!  So for about a week I would have pains now and then but contributed it to just normal pregnant sensations.  What did I know?  I hadn't been pregnant before! A few days before Tommy was born, I was having stronger pains that just didn't seem right.  Those did worry me because I was still about a week and a half from my due date and there was absolutely no way that the date was wrong!  I wouldn't notice them too much while at school but I was on the move so much that I couldn't really focus on anything.  I didn't even feel Tommy move around unless I was still for a moment, which wasn't often. 

This was taken three days before I went into labor.  I was ready!

The day that I actually went into labor was one of the most demanding and exhausting days of the whole school year.  Funny story though to start:  that morning when I was in the gym visiting with my kindergartners before announcements, one of my boys was poking my belly with his finger (he used to love to feel where Tommy's back and butt were.....6 yr olds!  I gave him my "babysitter" award at the end of the year because he was so in love with Tommy and even during my pregnancy he would rub my belly to feel where he was.) and another boy was making ghost noises at my belly....you know, "Boooooooo!".  He told me he was scaring the baby.  I joked with him later that it must of worked because he scared the baby right out of me!  He was pretty proud of that! 

So anyway, I taught all day then had about twenty minutes to eat and get ready for parents before having back to back conferences with parents from 4:20 to about 6:40 then I had to scoot down to the library to talk to incoming parents of kindergartners attending this upcoming year.  I remember shortly before the meeting started making the comment that I was having pains.  The other kindergarten teacher (who I adore and joked prior that I just had to make it through the meeting then I could have the baby) got a little worried about me and told me to go home.  Being the stubborn self that I am, I said I was fine and again wrote it off to "normal" pregnancy pains.  I didn't realize then but I had been in the early stages of labor even during my early conferences!  I can be a little competitive...okay more than a little....and part of the reason I wanted to make sure I stayed for the meeting was because I knew that being new to the school district and being a single, never married soon to be mom might not sit well with too many parents and I felt I had a few strikes against me.  I wanted the parents to at least get a chance to talk to me and hear about how I run my classroom before they all requested Sarah.  I would be on maternity leave when they would be coming into visit classrooms and so this was my only shot to make a good impression on them.  Remember I was also in labor at the time so my thinking was even more cloudy!

I finally left school about 9pm and drove home.  On my way I called Carol (my step-mom and birthing coach) to tell her that I was sure that the baby wasn't coming that night because I was beyond tired and would just be going to bed!   I arrived home, fed the cat, grabbed a string cheese and got ready for bed.  Had I known that would have been my last meal, you best believe that it would have been more than a string cheese!!  I remember laying in bed watching Teen Mom (sort of ironic!) when I felt water on my leg.  Now, I'm not boasting but I know what it feels like to pee on myself....thanks Tommy!....but this was a much different feeling.  I started to feel some more pains and decided to take a bath, hoping that it would calm the pains (contractions).  After soaking for a while, I laid back in bed, this time with the kitchen timer and started to time my contractions.  After a few contractions only about 4-5 minutes apart, I called Carol.  I was trying to wait to call her until I was sure that it wasn't false labor pains, it was after 11pm!  She came over and laid with me while I timed out a few more just to be sure.  At midnight, we headed to Munson

Because it was after midnight when we arrived, we had to enter through emergency.  Nothing like starting a bit dramatic in the middle of the night through emergency doors!  We made our way to maternity and they put me in an observation room so that they could determine whether to admit me with labor or to send me home.  They put monitors on me and my belly and the nurse inserted an iv of glucose I think to get Tommy moving around (which was too high on my wrist and hurt when I would bend....bad spot!).   I was in so much pain because I was experiencing back labor that my whole body felt like it was covered in needles.  The nurse was having a hard time getting a reading on Tommy and they wanted to see more movement out of him so they kept having me shift from my sides to my back.   I couldn't hold back the tears at that point because I was miserable.  There was not one position that felt even remotely comfortable!  My contractions were now not consistent and so I went from having regular ones about 4 minutes apart prior to my hospital to then ranging from 4 minutes to 15! It was frustrating because I did not want to be sent home!  I was able to use the exercise ball (highly recommended) to balance on to try to shift Tommy around.  It was my saving grace.  I stayed on there for hours, almost falling off of it a few times when I started to fall asleep.  I finally put my prenatal yoga breathing to good use during my contractions.  I never really screamed...surprisingly!   I was very focused and ready to do what I had to get my baby out. 

Finally around 3am they admitted me and called Peg, my midwife.  While I was waiting for her to come, I called the sub office to tell them that I was in labor and would be out until mid April.  It would be funny to hear that message now because I was so tired/excited/nervous that I'm sure I sounded a mess!  During my hospital tour a few weeks earlier I had requested that I get a room with a whirlpool tub if possible.  I was in luck because the room they placed me in had one!  That tub was fantastic, even though the jets were broken.  I was finally able to get in the tub around 5 or 6am.  They didn't want me to go in too early because it can slow labor.  The warm water was so soothing.   I actually fell asleep in the tub.  I was told by my nurse and Peg that I was even snoring!! I was tired!!!

My dad had arrived to the hospital at that point.  It was very comforting to have both of my parents there.  It's funny but thinking back, from midnight until about 9am when I received my epidural, it seems like only minutes instead of hours.  Time just seemed to fly by even though I was in a lot of pain.  Once I got the epidural, I felt a lot better!  I had originally planned to try without the epidural but I was in so much pain that I was just afraid that I would not have the strength to give my all later when I would need it  most.  That thing was amazing!! Why I wanted to go without, I don't know!!  It was at that point that I was able to text my family and friends and tell them that baby was on his way!  I had posted that I was going to Munson on my Facebook shortly before we left but that was the last thing people knew. 

For a few hours I was able to relax and finally eat something...even though that something was only firecracker Popsicles.  I think that I was even able to get a little nap in although again that time seems to have flown by.  I was finally feeling more comfortable when one of the nurses (not one of mine but one who was covering a break) came in and abruptly said that Tommy's heartbeat was slowing.  Not explanation, no compassion, nothing.  That was the beginning of my emotional roller coaster!  I was a mess after that!  All I could think about were the babies who were healthy but then died in delivery.  I was terrified of that umbilical cord!  He needed it to live but I was so scared that it was going to kill him.  Around 1pm, Peg came back in my room with one of the doctor's on call, Dr. Wright.  He was a really nice man and was very compassionate and understanding of my worry.  They said that they were having a hard time getting an accurate reading on Tommy and that they were concerned that his heart beat was dropping and my contractions were not strong enough.  They switched to internal monitors (another thing I really didn't want prior to my arrival) and after about 20 minutes they came back and said that it was not showing improvements and we would need to do an emergency c-section.  He was just not going to come on his own.  Since my water had ruptured there was the added concern of impending infection if I did not deliver in the next 8 hours.  At that point I lost it!  I just cried as they prepped the maternity O.R. for my surgery and got me ready.  The c-section was the last thing that I wanted.  It seemed as though I had no control over anything and that terrified me.  The surgery itself was not what really upset me however, I was so worried that something was wrong with Tommy and that he wasn't going to be okay.  No one could really tell me what was going on either, which only made me more upset and nervous. 

My surgery actually went really well.  Dr Wright made a point to introduce me to the nurses and assistants in the OR and said that they were going to take good care of me and bring Thomas into the world.  I was very relieved to have such a wonderful doctor.  It was also a good thing that I had the epidural because the anesthesiologist used that port to give me more medication for the surgery.  It saved me time of having to wait for the injection then for it to kick in.  This way I was already prepped. 

It was a very surreal moment when Tommy was born.  I couldn't see him because of the blue curtain (maybe that's why sometimes I feel that it isn't real?) but I could feel pressure as they were going into get him.  I felt great pressure and then I heard him cry!  They whisked him to the heated pad so that they could check him out and cut the cord.  Carol didn't want to do it because it was so thick.  I just remember seeing his gray little arms and legs flailing about but I couldn't see the rest of him because of the side of the workstation.  When they announced that he was 5lb 6 oz I was shocked!  I was certain that I was having an 8lb baby (and anyone whoever ate with me would have agreed!) I was still pinned to the table as they delivered the placenta and then stitched me up.  It felt like time had slowed down as I anxiously waited to see my baby. It was so wonderful watching Carol as she gushed about him. She was able to see him right away of course and was trying to describe how he looked with his full head of hair and skinny legs.   I had dreamed of what he might look like but I was dying to see the real thing!  Even though he was still a bit grayish, he was beautiful. 

Just born!

Tommy and I were taken to recovery where I was able to finally really inspect him and that's where I fell in love with him.  He was so small, thin and light.  It was amazing that I made that.  Amazing that just minutes before he had been inside of me and now I could hold him and kiss him!  The nurses wanted me to feed him right away because his sugar level was low when they tested him at birth and again when he got to recovery.  They were hoping that after he ate maybe they would raise.  That began our first introduction to the lactation consultants and our challenge with breastfeeding began.  I was so frazzled from his emergency delivery that I'm sure I couldn't relax...especially when the nurses kept threatening the NICU unless his sugars went up.  I felt like I was responsible for keeping him out of there by somehow getting his sugar level up....even though obviously there was nothing I could have done.  There was a lot of pressure and stress being thrown on me in that little curtained cubicle...especially when I still couldn't really move.  Carol and Dad took turns coming into see me.  They were both so excited and proud of him, again a surreal moment laying there with my baby introducing him to his grandparents. 

Tommy and I were in recovery for several hours as the doctors and nurses decided what they wanted to do regarding the NICU.  I only let go of him for a few moments so that they could test his sugars again then demanded him back.  I had waited months and went through a very traumatizing labor to get my baby and then they wanted to take him from me to put in the NICU.  Needless to say I was devastated.  I don't really remember much of the conversations that I had in recovery because I was so worried about what was going to happen to Tommy.  When the decision was made that he would not be coming to my room but rather going to the NICU, all I could do was cry.  I cried all the way back to my room and continued until I seemed to be empty.  I felt very much like I had failed because I wasn't able to have my baby in my room like most of the other mothers.  I was supposed to be the one caring for him and nursing him, not having the nurses give him formula. 

I had a few visitors that night as well as a few phone calls and texts but I was just not in the "happy mommy" mood.  I was devastated that I didn't have a baby to snuggle and show off because he was sick and couldn't be with me.  After my dinner came, my visitors left and I was left alone in my room.  It was a very difficult thing to be by myself at that point.  Looking back that was when my postpartum started.  I started to feel numb emotionally, possibly because it was emotional overload.    I can't honestly say that I remember much from what they told me in recovery to even say with confidence that I was told how I could get down to see Tommy.  I felt helpless, sore and exhausted.  Finally around 10pm one of my nurses came and made me go to the NICU.    I was wheeled into the small room with several plastic cribs and new babies and over in the corner was my baby in the incubator hooked up to an iv.  That was the first time that I really remember seeing what he looked like. 

He was in the incubator to regulate his temperature, which was also low....another cause of the low sugar.    His nurse started to go over more paperwork with me and again I can't tell you what she said because I was in a blur of information overload.  Tommy had just eaten prior to my visit and so they really didn't want the babies out of their incubators (they call them giraffes because they go up and down) so for a while I could only touch him through the arm holes.  After a little while, his nurse did let me get him out.  He seemed like a completely different baby than the one I had left a few hours ago in recovery.  Tommy looked damaged in a way because he was hooked to so many wires and monitors. He didn't look like the other newborn babies you see when you visit the hospital.  I stayed to feed him a bottle and then around midnight I went back to my room....alone.....without my baby.  It was so hard leaving him but I was so tired that I think that sort of added to the numbness. 

Like I said, it was the best yet most emotionally draining days of my life.  I had this beautiful boy but I couldn't enjoy him like I was supposed to be able to.  I was never told what caused him to be so under weight or why his sugars were low, which was again frustrating because there was nothing really I could do but be patient and wait for when he was strong enough to sustain a full feeding.  I felt like I was cheating as a mother because I would go down for a feeding, stay a few hours to snuggle, feed again then go back to my room for a nap and to eat.  I wanted to be doing more.  I wanted to be a mom and be responsible for him but I just wasn't able to. 

I went down to see him as much as I could while I was still a patient in the hospital myself.  I pushed myself a little bit too much with my c-section but I couldn't lay in bed and rest.  I had a baby waiting for me and I had to get to him as quick as I could which meant walking down myself instead of waiting for a nurse to wheel me down.  I spent countless hours with just me and Tommy in the NICU in our "nursing fort" which consisted of screens set up for privacy when nursing.  At first the nurses were particular about taking them down in between feedings to circulate air but I think they took pity on me as I sat there alone each day for so long that they would just leave me be and be available if I needed something. 

The hardest moment came when I had been discharged from Munson and I had to leave the hospital for the first time without him.  Going to my room was one thing because I was still close enough to see him throughout the day but I would not be coming back until the next morning.  That was difficult.  I started crying before I walked out of the maternity ward and I just couldn't stop.  I would cry every night when I would leave because I had guilt for leaving him there and sadness that we could not start our lives together at his home.  I felt very slighted.  I feel that his rough start severely impacted my ability to breastfeed because I was under so much stress that it made it so hard to relax and pumping was a nightmare.  I also felt very isolated and lonely. Many people knew that I was going through a rough time and were trying to give me space so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed.  I also withdrew a lot because of sadness, which continued for several months.  It was a very difficult time.

Finally on February 18th, Tommy's appetite started to pick up!  It was a full moon and it did something to him because he started to eat and hasn't stopped since.  He was released to come home on February 21st and I was thrilled!  Sean had come up from Oklahoma City and he drove us to my house since I still wasn't supposed to drive.  It was another surreal moment putting Tommy in his carseat and then loading him in the car.  I felt so relieved to have him home.  I had waited so long to be able to rock him in my chair or snuggle him on the couch.  It felt great to be able to sit with him in comfortable chairs while the sunlight shone through.  The NICU was so dim and you couldn't see outside. 

Baby's home!!

It hasn't been an easy almost 6 months (which is a whole other posting) but it's been amazing.  He has grown so much, I just can't believe he was once that skinny little "Benjamin Button" baby! 

This sign was outside the NICU one day.  It is my new favorite quote!